Motherhood Diary

About My Motherhood Diary

I've been writing weekly diary entries to my son, who I call Baby Bird, since his birth in July 2015.

Before it happened, I expected to find becoming a mother difficult. I expected sleepless nights. I was ready for a constantly crying infant. I was prepared for the kind of poos you still smell hours after they're wiped up.

What I wasn't expecting was to feel sad and scared. The kind of sadness that leaves you weeping in a shower long after you've scrubbed every inch of your body - you're just desperate to keep the water running so you can "enjoy" your sadness alone for just a few more minutes. The kind of fear that has you lying awake even though you haven't slept in days, counting the ways your baby could have perished that day - things falling out of the sky was the nightmare scenario I always dwelled on.

It took me a long time to realise that I was suffering from post-natal anxiety and depression, but that's not why I started writing weekly diary entries to my newborn baby boy. I did that because I wanted to document this journey I was going on, and eventually yes, a secondary purpose was to try and make sense of it all. More than anything I wanted to find the sweetness in all the still surprising and disturbing sadness and if there's anything that helps me do that it's writing.

You can read the diary entries from the beginning here, and if you've landed here because you too are also feeling the effects of post-natal anxiety and/or depression, please don't suffer in silence. Tell someone you love. Ask for help. It will be the single best thing you can do for you and your family. 

Below are a week-by-week list for all the entries in my first year of motherhood:

The first three months...

*** Week One *** Week Two *** Week Three *** Week Four *** Week Five *** Week Six *** Week Seven *** Week Eight *** Week Nine *** Week Ten *** Week Eleven *** Week Twelve *** Week Thirteen *** Week Fourteen ***

Three to six months...

 *** Week Fifteen *** Week Sixteen *** Week Seventeen *** Week Eighteen *** Week Nineteen *** Week Twenty *** Week Twenty-One *** Week Twenty-Two *** Week Twenty-Three *** Week Twenty-Four *** Week Twenty-Five *** Week Twenty-Six *** Week Twenty-Seven *** Week Twenty-Eight *** Week Twenty-Nine *** Week Thirty ***

Six to nine months...

*** Week Thirty-One *** Week Thirty-Two *** Week Thirty-Three *** Week Thirty-Four *** Week Thirty-Five *** Week Thirty-Six *** Week Thirty-Seven *** Week Thirty-Eight *** Week Thirty-Nine *** Week Forty ***

Nine to twelve months...

*** Week Forty-One *** Week Forty-Two *** Week Forty-Three *** Week Forty-Four *** Week Forty-Five *** Week Forty-Six *** Week Forty-Seven *** Week Forty-Eight *** Week Forty-Nine *** Week Fifty *** Week Fifty-One *** Week Fifty-Two ***